Every little bit

I have, for a long time, struggled with my weight. Not too uncommon is it? And it isn't. But it is something for 20 years that had kept me from doing more of what I wanted to do. So, in the summer of 2009 I decided that was that. I was losing the 100 pounds I had gained over the years no matter how long it took me.

How did I gain it? First thyroid disease was detected after I had gained around 70lbs in 6 months when I was 20. I couldn't get out of bed! I couldn't stay awake and anything I ate just stayed with me. I didn't eat chocolate or anything like that. I just ate regular meals.

But at the same time I also fell into depression and didn't care that I wasn't exercising. This wasn't like me. I played outside and been in sports here and there over the years. At the same time I also went through a bad relationship and made grave choices. It really wasn't a shining moment in my life. Although I made mistakes and such and went through therapies and took anti-depressant medications I still kept the weight pretty much on and then gained more. I felt I should be punished for the mistakes I had made and not being pretty or attractive for me was the answer. (I no longer feel this way today and realize why I felt that way, dealt with it and put it in its place as a lesson.)

I graduated being overweight, got married being overweight and not wearing the dress I had dreamed of being in, had kids when I was overweight and voila became 100 pounds overweight as of July 2009. About this time a close family member died and it was really my wake up call. It took a long time for me to get past the pain and hurt of losing someone I was so close to and best friends with. I still miss them so very much, but in the process of healing I started to see my life a little clearer. I decided that I needed to think about me and take care of me or I wouldn't be around for my kids and husband. And that's where this starts.

I went to the doc with several problems. They did blood work and everything that came back was really awful. I had high cholesterol, sky high triglycerides, blood sugar was high, blood pressure high...not the epitome of health. No wonder I felt rotten. My doc suggested getting the weight off and the blood pressure down.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster since then. I have lost a solid 25 lbs. That doesn't seem like a lot, but it is for me and it's one fourth of the weight gone. I am fitting into smaller clothes. I have been exercising off and on with walking and on my bike. I have been through therapy for my knees. Then I went back to the doc for my knees and doing therapy again after injuring myself another time. I have worked on getting my heart rate up and keeping it up for aerobic exercise to burn this fat off!  I changed my diet very, very slowly and made better choices each day.

Since I also fight and struggle with depression, low self-esteem and anxiety I've gone back on anti-depressant medicine. Which helped some, but then I became too relaxed. So now the doc has added on another anti-depressant so I wont lose my ambitions completely! You can't work for yourself and not feel like working! haha...

But really, every day I chose something good for me is another day I am closer to my goal. If I ride my bike or take a walk it's just a little bit better. For every pound, half pound, or even an ounce I lose the real me that I love is starting to come back out after 20 years of hiding with the weight gain. I like the results I am seeing and it's taking forever, but I've upped my goals and have really good goals set that I know I can manage. Some are simply remembering each day to be good to me. To say positive things to myself or about myself everyday is pretty important. To even say "thank you" after someone gives me a compliment is hard for me to do, but I am doing it. To live without negativity and the overwhelming depression that can overcome me is something I really want to do, so I asked for help again.  To love myself and take care of myself so that I can enjoy my life and my family is the goal.  To be healthy in mind, body and spirit is really my ultimate goal and I can see it happening!

So, that's just a small look into my life and weight and issues I have. Many of the reasons why I did what I did are so incredibly complicated that it isn't worth explaining. But I can say that if you face things head on and are completely honest then there is nothing you can't overcome. A lot of what I am doing right now with the weight loss is simply overcoming things that hurt me or I let hurt me. I can now face many of them without the fear of falling back into the dark abyss that I was once in because I have a lot of support from many different people and friends. It's never to late to take care of yourself and to believe in yourself. Just remember it takes every little bit at a time to accomplish your goals.

One of my favorite songs ever is "Baby, I'm Gonna Leave You" by Led Zeppelin. A lot of times I think of the song as me leaving behind the person I don't want to be anymore. I am coming back home to the me I love who is strong, determined and goal oriented. The one who takes care of myself so I can then take care of my loved ones.  

I'll go back to the doctor in two months to check in and monitor all my vitals, etc. I know it will be fine because in my head and heart I am already there. I just have to work toward that vision I see of me and it makes me Happy!