Thursday, March 24, 2011

Custom Cowl!

I am so excited to begin this project! My dear friend Erin from grad school wanted a cowl so she asked me if she found some yarn she couldn't live without if I would make her one. And of course I said I would!

Look at what she found! It is gorgeous and feels so very soft. Made of pure Merino Wool is why it is so fabulous. I love the colors also. Reminds me of a sunset.

Got to get the pink cowl off the needles so I can get going on this one!  I will keep you posted with further pictures. I just hope she loves it as much as I know I am going to!

Have a great day and do something you love!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Spring is in the air, time to CREATE!

Oh it's lovely today and yesterday was a dream also. And it's that time of year that I start kicking into gear with my production schedule. I have about 6 weeks before my first show! So excited to be a part of the Art Expo 2011 (http://artexpo2011.com/). I will be bringing woven, knitted and tatted items for the home and you!

I also will be teaching children to weave with paper. I am providing paper cards to make for Mother's Day. I'll have stamps and pencils to decorate it with also. It comes with a nice envelope and the materials are higher quality. Hand made papers to weave with that have hand painting or glitter added. Should be a super fun thing to create for the kids! And it's simple. Most children from 2-3 and up can participate with help.

I will be weaving some table linens with matching napkins and possibly some more shawls. I am working on some tatted bookmarks and such too. Lots to do! Better get to work!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day! My Favorite Day Because of My Dad!!!!

I love, love, love St. Patricks's Day!  As a child my mom always made sure it was celebrated in our home. My father is Scots-Irish and so, yes, a big deal! She would always find special breads and such for a traditional dinner with green food. Our family had fun and as always wore Green!

I am truly blessed though. I am part Irish somewhere in my lineage.  But what I am really proud of is that my dad adopted me. What a wonderful gift to give a child- to feel loved, protected and like you belong. 

My dad taught me how to use strength, determination and love all wrapped up in all I do. I am thankful because I had someone to guide me though life as a father figure. He also taught me to let God have some of those things I couldn't control or couldn't do. That one was probably the biggest gift he gave me. 

Being half adopted is wonderful. I knew I was loved. Someone chose me to be in their life by taking responsibility for me. That's rather special. But honestly, he's my dad, always has been since I was very, very little so as a child I didn't know. Once I did find out I was adopted I had a hard time understanding why a man would not want to be part of their child's life, but honestly my biological dad not being in my life growing up was a gift also. My mom made the right choice in leaving him. She and I did not need to be in an abusive situation. Instead, I got to have a dad in my life who loves me, cares for me and believes in me. Once I got my head around that then I was good to go!


Dad and I did everything together when I was a kid. We would throw a baseball or football back and forth for fun. We went to football games, baseball games, miniature golf and all kinds of fun stuff together. Then he taught me how to mow the lawn, tend to a garden, grill out on a charcoal grill, and ride my bike. I would go with him to the land he owned and help get wood for our stove for the winter. We fished, camped, hiked and all those things dads do with their kids we did. Every little thing was great. 


I still see Dad, but we don't live in the same area. We are terrible about calling each other too, but I always know he thinks of me and he knows I think of him often too. So we do not visit each other as much as I like, but we still have that special bond and complete understanding between us. We are now trying to make plans for the summer. Maybe camping with my herd of kids somehow with all the family. Whatever we do we'll have fun like we always do! 

Probably the best thing about our relationship is this: He is my father and I am his daughter and nothing ever will change that or take that away. Being Scots-Irish and sharing the bond we do makes St. Patrick's Day even more special to me.


Happy St. Patrick's Day Dad!!!! I love you! Thank you for encouraging and believing in me.

Here's a special blessing for you! Thank you for being my dad. It means the world to me!


May the Irish hills caress you.
May her lakes and rivers bless you.
May the luck of the Irish enfold you.
May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.
~Irish Blessing

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

This fits me perfectly now...and I love who I have found once again.



The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

My Thoughts on Love

I wrote this in the afternoon of 2/24/11.

Love doesn't come in a big shiny package with a pretty bow.
Love comes with the softness in one's voice,
a gentle touch,
noticing something no one else would,
sitting with you when you are sick.
It loves you for you
and it's there when you are laughing until your stomach hurts.
It comes in tiny moments of life that you'd never trade.
It comes with the joy of a born child.
It comes when death of a loved one overwhelms you.
It comes with the hurt
and with honesty.
It comes in with the good
and never leaves during the bad times.
It understands when you can't do any more alone.
It allows you time to heal.
Love comes as a blessing.
Love came to me.
I am never letting go.

Finding Your Voice

I want to share this with you from this past Tuesday. I think it's very important and I really try to make people aware of how low self esteem can have a devastating effect on one's self and life.

My friend Joe started a thread the other day with this question:
"Low self esteem. What can we do to overcome it?"

My response was:
"Find your voice."

A few responses down Joe asked this:
"Valerie, could you please elaborate?"

So, I did:
"Okay, here's my perspective: I suffered greatly from a lack of self esteem growing up. I was never good enough. I was never perfect. On the outside I looked like the typical teen from a loving home who was a cheerleader, president of the art club, in student council, and on and on, but I lived in a situation that was very unstable and mentally abusive (alcoholism was the culprit). [Please note, I do not blame. I am just stating facts. I have forgiven and accepted what happened. I was meant to go through it.]

It took me a long time to learn to listen to my own voice. My inner voice. The one that loved me for me. That knew what I could do and how far I could push myself to achieve my dreams and accept when I did the best I could to be content with the result. The one that knew I was wonderful.

Now, I can't say I love the way I look, but I am working on that and going toward my goal a little at a time which is to be healthy more than how I look. I like what I have changed so far and I'm gonna keep going.

Plus, there's more to a person than looks, etc. and how the world sees me. So I started looking within. I started learning that who I am and what I am and the grave mistakes I made are what make me me. I realized that all the incredible amount of CRAP I went through growing up was what I needed to make my life what I needed it to be. I started viewing it as a gift, not a burden. I stopped listening to what others though I should be. I started nurturing what I needed to become and be for me. I started loving myself for what I was. I believe there is always room for improvement and a little constructive criticism is not a bad thing. But once you find your voice and actually listen to it then you "get it". And my motto now is "Strive for excellence. Not perfection." ...so there you go, you asked for it! :)"

Joe's reply was:
"Awesome, Valerie. Not much else I can say."

Here's some more of my thoughts on this because awareness will help someone out there struggling.

Low self esteem compounds into depression. A very close family member and I have both struggle with it. I went through that for about 8 years of my life. We both made horrible and grave choices because of low self esteem and depression. But, we found our voice. We over came that hurt and guilt and life that we didn't want. We walked toward what we were meant to be in life. We now work together to keep our thoughts from entering into that dark abyss we were once in. We support each other and those around us that need to be lifted up. We offer hope, understanding, hugs, a shoulder to cry upon, and an ear to listen always.

I blocked a lot for a long time. That was self preservation for me at the time. I just couldn't go back to the pain. But slowly the images and memories came flooding back even if I didn't want them to. I would call my family member to ask them if they remembered something that happened and they would confirm. So, I didn't make it up. It did happen. I think for a long time I wanted to think it didn't happen to us, but it did. Once I started to deal with it and put it in perspective I remembered everything. I wept, I got mad, I sought help.

I still struggle and I probably always will, but I didn't jump out of that car going down the interstate when I started too because someone was there to stop me. They told me, "It's not worth it." My family member's life didn't end either when they wanted it too because they reached out to a friend just in time.

Now, that situation I grew up with. I look at it as a blessing. And believe me, it is. It took me many, many years to really get a grip on that. But for you to understand it you would have to live it. Here's one small view into it...one day I was told I was the perfect child (when the alcoholism was there) and the next I couldn't do anything right (when one was more sober).  This happened to my family member as well. I didn't want my life to be lived in that manner with such instability. So I chose not to. I chose to take my life in my hands and make it want I wanted. I can't say it's perfect, I can't say it's always great, but it's mine and I do love it. I can't say it's easy either because life isn't easy. But life is worth living and I learned that lesson the hard way.

Everyone has struggles. Remember that. Some are greater, some are less than what you know. Reach out to them.

Love and understanding: Listening to a friend...just listening can help. Take the time to listen carefully and not judge others. Judging isn't the goal, but listening is because you give someone their voice. Sometimes people just need to say what is on their mind in order to get through something. To get it out, to let it be in the open for the world to see and know. Even if they tell just one person. You have given them power.

If anyone ever needs to talk please let me know. I am always here for you. Love yourself and who you are. You are beautiful because you were made that way. You just need to see it.  Be honest and fair to yourself and make sure you know that there is always a way to find a path that can lead you out of depression or an addiction or pain of loss, etc. There are professionals that can guide you, support groups, communities, churches, etc. Please reach out and ask for help if you need it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of you taking power of your life.

For those who know my family and know what we went through don't feel bad for us. For those who didn't know my situation. Don't worry, it was the perfect disguise to those who didn't see the reality of it. And to some degree it still is to this day.

You are never alone. If you take anything away from this understand that and that someone is waiting for you to let you believe in yourself. Love never ends. You can find your voice.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Every little bit

I have, for a long time, struggled with my weight. Not too uncommon is it? And it isn't. But it is something for 20 years that had kept me from doing more of what I wanted to do. So, in the summer of 2009 I decided that was that. I was losing the 100 pounds I had gained over the years no matter how long it took me.

How did I gain it? First thyroid disease was detected after I had gained around 70lbs in 6 months when I was 20. I couldn't get out of bed! I couldn't stay awake and anything I ate just stayed with me. I didn't eat chocolate or anything like that. I just ate regular meals.

But at the same time I also fell into depression and didn't care that I wasn't exercising. This wasn't like me. I played outside and been in sports here and there over the years. At the same time I also went through a bad relationship and made grave choices. It really wasn't a shining moment in my life. Although I made mistakes and such and went through therapies and took anti-depressant medications I still kept the weight pretty much on and then gained more. I felt I should be punished for the mistakes I had made and not being pretty or attractive for me was the answer. (I no longer feel this way today and realize why I felt that way, dealt with it and put it in its place as a lesson.)

I graduated being overweight, got married being overweight and not wearing the dress I had dreamed of being in, had kids when I was overweight and voila became 100 pounds overweight as of July 2009. About this time a close family member died and it was really my wake up call. It took a long time for me to get past the pain and hurt of losing someone I was so close to and best friends with. I still miss them so very much, but in the process of healing I started to see my life a little clearer. I decided that I needed to think about me and take care of me or I wouldn't be around for my kids and husband. And that's where this starts.

I went to the doc with several problems. They did blood work and everything that came back was really awful. I had high cholesterol, sky high triglycerides, blood sugar was high, blood pressure high...not the epitome of health. No wonder I felt rotten. My doc suggested getting the weight off and the blood pressure down.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster since then. I have lost a solid 25 lbs. That doesn't seem like a lot, but it is for me and it's one fourth of the weight gone. I am fitting into smaller clothes. I have been exercising off and on with walking and on my bike. I have been through therapy for my knees. Then I went back to the doc for my knees and doing therapy again after injuring myself another time. I have worked on getting my heart rate up and keeping it up for aerobic exercise to burn this fat off!  I changed my diet very, very slowly and made better choices each day.

Since I also fight and struggle with depression, low self-esteem and anxiety I've gone back on anti-depressant medicine. Which helped some, but then I became too relaxed. So now the doc has added on another anti-depressant so I wont lose my ambitions completely! You can't work for yourself and not feel like working! haha...

But really, every day I chose something good for me is another day I am closer to my goal. If I ride my bike or take a walk it's just a little bit better. For every pound, half pound, or even an ounce I lose the real me that I love is starting to come back out after 20 years of hiding with the weight gain. I like the results I am seeing and it's taking forever, but I've upped my goals and have really good goals set that I know I can manage. Some are simply remembering each day to be good to me. To say positive things to myself or about myself everyday is pretty important. To even say "thank you" after someone gives me a compliment is hard for me to do, but I am doing it. To live without negativity and the overwhelming depression that can overcome me is something I really want to do, so I asked for help again.  To love myself and take care of myself so that I can enjoy my life and my family is the goal.  To be healthy in mind, body and spirit is really my ultimate goal and I can see it happening!

So, that's just a small look into my life and weight and issues I have. Many of the reasons why I did what I did are so incredibly complicated that it isn't worth explaining. But I can say that if you face things head on and are completely honest then there is nothing you can't overcome. A lot of what I am doing right now with the weight loss is simply overcoming things that hurt me or I let hurt me. I can now face many of them without the fear of falling back into the dark abyss that I was once in because I have a lot of support from many different people and friends. It's never to late to take care of yourself and to believe in yourself. Just remember it takes every little bit at a time to accomplish your goals.

One of my favorite songs ever is "Baby, I'm Gonna Leave You" by Led Zeppelin. A lot of times I think of the song as me leaving behind the person I don't want to be anymore. I am coming back home to the me I love who is strong, determined and goal oriented. The one who takes care of myself so I can then take care of my loved ones.  

I'll go back to the doctor in two months to check in and monitor all my vitals, etc. I know it will be fine because in my head and heart I am already there. I just have to work toward that vision I see of me and it makes me Happy!