Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Gift

So, I often talk about getting help and trying to work through problems and situations that leave one stuck, so to say, in the mud. I've done this. Been stuck and couldn't go forward or backward. Absolutely paralyzed.

I recently walked back into a situation I had really left long ago. Struggled with it for a good 20+ years after I left feeling I had to help. Feeling there was nothing more important than helping someone who was dependent on alcohol to get through the day. To deal with the present because they could not go back and change the past. They just want to forget the past and they didn't want to deal with it. So they drown the feelings and hurt out with their choice of tool.

I figured out a long time ago though it wasn't my job to get them help. They didn't listen to me, friends, family or anyone. I understood this was not my job or my battle. This was their battle and they are completely and fully aware of it. They told me they don't want to change. They told me if death came again to just give them a cigarette and a beer and let them die.

I think though I always hoped it would change. I hoped that they would pick themselves up and figure it all out. They didn't. They didn't when they were sick or even when death was at their door twice already.

So there I was, with this person, standing in the same spot looking at the same situation that I had been in (I do not know how) many times years ago. I wasn't worried because I had used that game plan up years ago. I wasn't shocked either to see them in the same state doing the same thing. Abusing themselves over and over again like there was no problem with that at all. 

What hit me standing there and thinking about it was what was my lesson in this? What was it?

It hit me today. There is so much to do in life. And I WANT to do it. I don't want to be stuck. I want to move freely and soar the way my life is meant to be. I had let go of so many things before today, taken care of me, but yet I held onto this hope for whatever reason for another. Why? I may never know. But for me, hope is that there will always be something better out there. It's how I got to where I am now and how I literally survived my own hell I put myself through.

The lesson this person gave me is to live now. Don't let the past dictate your future. That I am so very worth it to go forward and leave this behind. To let go of them.

My gift from this is to live my life and I am damn well gonna. To live the life I was given. Given! I need to live it in my own way. Taking care of me and understanding that if I take care of me it is okay. It is okay to put me first. I am brave and strong and that, in this world, is a difficult thing to do and be. Admitting your faults and taking steps to make yourself better is hard lesson you know. It sucks, but it's been worth it. I'm a freaking member of the Super Friends!

I'm so grateful to see it now. My perspective shifted for the better. The hope I have is only for me now. That's my lesson and the gift this person was meant to give me without even knowing it. Thank you.


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

My Leap is Paying Off

...nothing will be impossible to you.

"...For truly, I say to you if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." -Matthew 17:20


It's not every day I say, "I'm finished." No, not every day.

Two June's ago I did just that. I left a career I never wanted and started focusing on what I knew I could do and be who I knew I was meant to be. I not only left a career behind, but I left some volunteer positions as well to focus on me and my family. Mainly me if I am going to be completely honest here.

Is that selfish? Some would say it is. Dropping your job, dropping your income to pursue your dream. Hmmm...but to me it wasn't. It was more than that. I was slowly slipping away and my soul was not fulfilled. I had to make a move before I lost me in the shuffle of day to day. I knew it was important.

I don't miss going to the movies, taking expensive vacations and buying things I don't need. It's interesting how much you really consider needing when you change your perspective of what is really important in life isn't it?

So, in this I have also continued to seek out help for my past demons. To improve my thoughts and self-esteem so that I could go forward. Not really leaving those hurtful things and trauma behind, but truly finding a shelf to put them without the pain. I own those now. They are no longer controlling me and my emotions. I continue to receive help to this day and go forward.

I began working on my art, my techniques, my strengths in fibers and drawing. Exploring things I loved like knitting, tatting lace and weaving. Creating things for sale, participating in art fairs and a fashion show where I presented my collection of accessories even. I learned a lot in this time. Things I like, things I never want to do and things I can't wait to dive into.

I've now begun dreaming of traveling and starting to look into the areas of the world I want to go. Where I want to take my kids and where I want to backpack with my friends.  It's important to travel. The more places you go, the more you learn and the more your world opens to new possibilities. It's a wonderful gift to give yourself.

I'm also working on going to Haiti to share my knowledge teaching the techniques I know. The people need help in earning money not only to live day to day, but to afford schooling for their children. It is nothing for me to take the time out of my life to help those who really need it. It's my dream to continue on this path of giving and helping wherever I am needed. It's a passion I can't put away.

Also, I have created a path to a career I am pretty darn sure is going to launch me forward even more. I will be starting my second company in August called Smart Party. An idea that I have been bouncing around in my head for about two years now. Basics are I present several ideas for parties based around famous artist or art movements. I teach the history and show the people how to create in the same manners. It's one of my passions to teach in my own way and with my own rules. I have taught in college and at art fairs, but I wanted to come up with something that would work with my schedule and three children. That's how I got here. Educate, Empower and Create. What more could I possibly do that is more fun than this? Seriously?

So, that leap of faith I took two years is now coming full circle and I am hopeful to teach what I love while continuing my career as an accessory and intimate apparel artist. I have one life to live. This is my choice and I love it.