Oh winter. It's still here although it feels like spring today. I've been reorganizing my life lately. Slimming down responsibilities, focusing and honestly trying to get past bumps along the way that have trailed with me for too long.
I tend to take on too much. It's one of my flaws. I have often wondered why and thought I was just an overachiever. Well, that part is true to some extent, but I have tried before to slim down the load and focus just on one thing always to come back to too many pans in the fire yet again. This just leads to me not doing as good a job as I want, then I beat myself up and fall back into old routines that do not nurture me well. So, this time it took me a year to slim down to just me. I dumped volunteer jobs, board positions and a career path that had become undesirable after twenty years.
Looking around I found a lot of the things I love left behind, unfinished and basically untouched for years. At first I was really sad and it got me down a bit. I became overwhelmed by what wasn't done, what I left for something I didn't even like and then realized it's time to start over.
What is different this time is I am dealing with those things I never wanted to face. Things deep down, tucked away out of site for no one to see or me to think about any longer. Just like an alcoholic, drug addict, or anything of similarity I ignored some things in my life by putting it away. I took on so many things that I wouldn't have to think about it. Does that solve those things unfinished, unwanted, buried for you to ignore? No, it doesn't solve a thing. In fact, it just makes things harder in the long run. In my own way I just kept ignoring those things that I really needed to deal with.
I decided recently that it was really time to take a good look at me. I have been seeking help for over a year now and digging through my past. The reason I finally realized I needed to tackle this old news was because it never truly went away. Something would happen and my emotional reaction was so over the top it didn't make sense. I didn't realize I was reacting the way I was until I stepped back and really looked at what I was doing. I couldn't find by myself what was the cause of such a disproportional response. Logically, I could understand what I was doing and it made perfect sense, but emotionally I was no where near where I needed to be. Little things would spur this reaction on. I couldn't let things go, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened or I couldn't leave it at the office at the end of the day basically.
Sometimes we as people just get through our days. We do what we must so we can make it to the next day. We set aside hurtful events and just go on never really dealing with what has happened. Not taking time to really deal with trauma, hurt, loss, etc. will only prolong the hurt. I have been going back in my mind trying to connect those things that hurt. It has been a long, long road and I am no where close to the end, but I do know the more I am willing to work on this the more I remember. I have blocked years out. Not months, but years. I have gone on thinking I just need to get through, but somewhere along the way I just didn't do what I needed to. I didn't deal with the situation. I didn't ask for help.
Finally, after decades of just getting on with life, I am honestly dealing with the loss, the hurt, the trauma and trying to find that key to not let those things get me down. I am facing the fear. I am letting the emotions come forward. I am crying. I am forgiving. I am going forward so I can be the mother I dream of being and the artist I know I am. I am getting my emotional response to equal my logical response slowly over time. That's really it. I now know how to ask for help.