Every little bit

I have, for a long time, struggled with my weight. Not too uncommon is it? And it isn't. But it is something for 20 years that had kept me from doing more of what I wanted to do. So, in the summer of 2009 I decided that was that. I was losing the 100 pounds I had gained over the years no matter how long it took me.

How did I gain it? First thyroid disease was detected after I had gained around 70lbs in 6 months when I was 20. I couldn't get out of bed! I couldn't stay awake and anything I ate just stayed with me. I didn't eat chocolate or anything like that. I just ate regular meals.

But at the same time I also fell into depression and didn't care that I wasn't exercising. This wasn't like me. I played outside and been in sports here and there over the years. At the same time I also went through a bad relationship and made grave choices. It really wasn't a shining moment in my life. Although I made mistakes and such and went through therapies and took anti-depressant medications I still kept the weight pretty much on and then gained more. I felt I should be punished for the mistakes I had made and not being pretty or attractive for me was the answer. (I no longer feel this way today and realize why I felt that way, dealt with it and put it in its place as a lesson.)

I graduated being overweight, got married being overweight and not wearing the dress I had dreamed of being in, had kids when I was overweight and voila became 100 pounds overweight as of July 2009. About this time a close family member died and it was really my wake up call. It took a long time for me to get past the pain and hurt of losing someone I was so close to and best friends with. I still miss them so very much, but in the process of healing I started to see my life a little clearer. I decided that I needed to think about me and take care of me or I wouldn't be around for my kids and husband. And that's where this starts.

I went to the doc with several problems. They did blood work and everything that came back was really awful. I had high cholesterol, sky high triglycerides, blood sugar was high, blood pressure high...not the epitome of health. No wonder I felt rotten. My doc suggested getting the weight off and the blood pressure down.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster since then. I have lost a solid 25 lbs. That doesn't seem like a lot, but it is for me and it's one fourth of the weight gone. I am fitting into smaller clothes. I have been exercising off and on with walking and on my bike. I have been through therapy for my knees. Then I went back to the doc for my knees and doing therapy again after injuring myself another time. I have worked on getting my heart rate up and keeping it up for aerobic exercise to burn this fat off!  I changed my diet very, very slowly and made better choices each day.

Since I also fight and struggle with depression, low self-esteem and anxiety I've gone back on anti-depressant medicine. Which helped some, but then I became too relaxed. So now the doc has added on another anti-depressant so I wont lose my ambitions completely! You can't work for yourself and not feel like working! haha...

But really, every day I chose something good for me is another day I am closer to my goal. If I ride my bike or take a walk it's just a little bit better. For every pound, half pound, or even an ounce I lose the real me that I love is starting to come back out after 20 years of hiding with the weight gain. I like the results I am seeing and it's taking forever, but I've upped my goals and have really good goals set that I know I can manage. Some are simply remembering each day to be good to me. To say positive things to myself or about myself everyday is pretty important. To even say "thank you" after someone gives me a compliment is hard for me to do, but I am doing it. To live without negativity and the overwhelming depression that can overcome me is something I really want to do, so I asked for help again.  To love myself and take care of myself so that I can enjoy my life and my family is the goal.  To be healthy in mind, body and spirit is really my ultimate goal and I can see it happening!

So, that's just a small look into my life and weight and issues I have. Many of the reasons why I did what I did are so incredibly complicated that it isn't worth explaining. But I can say that if you face things head on and are completely honest then there is nothing you can't overcome. A lot of what I am doing right now with the weight loss is simply overcoming things that hurt me or I let hurt me. I can now face many of them without the fear of falling back into the dark abyss that I was once in because I have a lot of support from many different people and friends. It's never to late to take care of yourself and to believe in yourself. Just remember it takes every little bit at a time to accomplish your goals.

One of my favorite songs ever is "Baby, I'm Gonna Leave You" by Led Zeppelin. A lot of times I think of the song as me leaving behind the person I don't want to be anymore. I am coming back home to the me I love who is strong, determined and goal oriented. The one who takes care of myself so I can then take care of my loved ones.  

I'll go back to the doctor in two months to check in and monitor all my vitals, etc. I know it will be fine because in my head and heart I am already there. I just have to work toward that vision I see of me and it makes me Happy!

pink, pink, pink...

Oh Pink!

You know I don't always like pink. Mainly only in sunrises and sunsets, but I do love this cowl I am working on. It's simple, plain, and just perfect for this time of year with Valentine's Day just past. The yarn is made up of wool, Alpaca and Donegal. Very soft actually which surprised me a bit.

I like the fact that I have kept it simple. Less is more, you know. So it's half hot pink and half dusty rose. My idea is that you could put either on top to add a little "omph" to your outfit. And since it is two tone then you can pick whichever pink you want to show off on top.

Soon it will be finished up and I will post it to FibersStudio.etsy.com...

Pink L O V E Pink Treasury!

Oh, I love a beautiful Treasury on Etsy! And here's one just in time for Valentine's Day! Everything is taken from the Etsy Weavers team! ENJOY

http://www.etsy.com/treasury/4d516d699b718eef1db86630/pink-l-o-v-e-pink

The Apple Sauce War

I have three kids. The youngest is now 4 and well on his way to being one of the most determined and stubborn people ever. He takes after me. If I can shape and mold this into a positive thing he will be one of the most successful men ever.

But in the meantime we are in the midst of the apple sauce war. It's like this... the youngest loves, loves, loves applesauce to the point of turning into apple sauce if he eats anymore.

So the other day we go to school with his lunch packed with his milk, peanut butter sandwich and the old reliable apple sauce. Get there and realize...no school. "Okay, how about we go out to eat to do something different?" He says, "Okay!"

We get there and order. He wants apple juice. Fine. We get our food and sit down. Eating out is a really, really big thing when you are 4! So I eat my meal and watch little boy barely eat anything. Fine, we can just take it home. We have to stop by the grocery store on the way home to get ginger ale and some saltine crackers for our family that is under the weather. He's the best shopping buddy ever. Very helpful and talking lots and lots.

Finally back home he decides he is hungry.

Me, "Good thing we brought home your meal and we also have your packed lunch."

Little dude, "I want apple sauce!!!" Hmmmm, "no you need to eat some protein and try to get something else in your system."

This starts what I call the apple sauce wail.

"APPPPPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEE SSSAAAAUUUUUCEEEE!!!"

Oh boy.

"Apppppppppppllllllleeeee SSSSAAAAUUUUUCCCEEEE!!!"

Me, "If you are going to scream you can just go to your room and scream because you are not going to stand here and continue to yell at me."

So, he runs like a bat outta hell down the hall yelling, "AAAAPPPPPLLLLLLEEEE SSSAAAUUUCCCEEE!!" over and over and over again.

Great.

For the next 20-30 minutes this is all my husband and I hear at different volume levels, different harmonies, moans and groans and basic crazy noise.

Finally something different comes out of little boys mouth while trying to turn his bedroom doorknob. "Unlock the door!!!" "UNLOCK THE DOOORRRR!!!!"

Me, "It's not locked!!!"

"OH!"

And down the hall comes my little dude all red-eyed, red-faced, tears streaming with shoulders slumped and arms out stretched.

He hugs me and says in his normal voice, "Apple sauce."

I say nothing and just hug him. He somehow ends up in the kitchen and chooses to eat his meal he brought home from the restaurant and then the sandwich and milk in his lunch box.

I then go in and give him his precious apple sauce.

There is nothing more stubborn than your mom kiddo and I just got you to do what I wanted even though you decided to scream your head off for a half an hour.  Eventually he'll figure it out and get tired of the drama. That's nothing new to me. I have two others just like you who did the same exact thing over other crazy things at the age of 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and now 10.

Love my kids!

A Scarf Just for Me

You know it isn't often I make something just for me. In fact, I hardly ever do. Are you that way too? Do you put everything and everyone else in front of you? Sometimes it just goes along with responsibility and that is fine, but then there are times you can do something just for you and you still don't.

So I have had this yarn for a long time. Saved it back just for me because I love the texture and color. My daughter picked it out for me a couple years back for my birthday. It's a reddish magenta colored boucle by Louisa Harding Yarns made from mohair (60%), viscose (25%) and polyamide (15%). Lovely stuff!!! It has specks of various colors running through it.

Life is busy and life gets in the way of a lot of things we want to do as adults. But honestly it is a choice isn't it? I choose to put things off for me. I don't think I want to do that much anymore.

It's kind of like losing weight for me. I want to, but I have to make the choice to do it. I can say, "I had a bad day and eat a really bad meal" or I can say...."I had a bad day, but I am going to eat something healthy for me because my body, mind and soul deserve to be fed well." I am losing weight slowly and hit a milestone lately, which has boosted my good choices. Some days I remember to eat healthy and work out for the right reasons. Then some days I completely forget and fall back into my old habits. Not on purpose at all...just happens. It's like I go on auto pilot and just do what I know instead of doing what I know would be better. But I am going forward and putting my health ahead of other things that can wait.

So, I will knit this gorgeous scarf for me now because I want to. Because I think it's high time to take time to do something a little extra for me. Other things can wait for the moment. No need to wait any longer because I am worth it!

Black Sparkle Cowl!

Whew, finally done with this gorgeous extra large cowl. Yes, cowl! A tube for your head! ha, ha...

I created this on circular needles

So I started this lovely in early fall. Made a huge mistakes, ripped it out, made another huge mistake and ripped it out completely again. Finally, I got it finished up. It is super soft and has a nice band of contrasting yarn with a bit of sparkle on each end of the cowl. Adds that little extra fun.

Close up of detail yarn added for sparkle

I love cowls! They are the most fun. You can wear them around your neck as a super warm scarf or you can pull them up on your head as well as a hood/scarf. So very versatile and adds that extra to a simple dress or basic coat.

Black Sparkle Cowl!

I created this by alternating 4 pearled stitched rows with 4 knit rows. I noticed this keeps it from curling up on itself.

It really is a tube!

I am very glad I hung in there with this project. I think I made the mistakes I did because of the dark yarn I was working with. It is harder to see than a lighter yarn. So I learned to move into really good working light. It made all the difference. And I just keep on going! Now I have a fun project to sell and I have lots of new ideas in mind to try for the next few cowls I am planning to create!

Rat-A-Tat-Tat

I have had the best time learning to tat over this past summer. Now I am working on creating lace for garments and some holiday snowflakes to either be worked into an outfit, used as jewelry or simply an ornament.

Double Five Spoke Tatted Snowflake

I got into this because my great grandmothers use to tat long ago. When they both passed away I inherited their tools and over the years it added up to a lot! So, I decided I would take it upon myself to give it a whirl. It was not easy! It took me basically a week following detailed instructions from books and only 1 or 2 videos on You Tube were helpful.

Close-up

At first, as typical when I am learning something new in fibers, I was so tense I made the double stitches very tight! And I did not figure out "The Flip" for a while. "The Flip" is the KEY to tatting.

Look here to get a pretty good instruction on how to tat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as2gXQ-RYeQ&feature=related

Detail of a lace pattern I am creating.

After I learned & mastered "The Flip" for the double stitches and then how to make a picot I was on my way. I loosened up and it is such a comfortable relaxing activity now. It's slow going and really does take a long time, but for me it is very rewarding.

I am going to quit writing for now and go sit down in my favorite rose chair by the window, watch the snow fall and work on a custom order for snowflakes I need to get done by the 14th! Happy Tatting!