The Wall

Once upon a time I built a wall that was so high you'd have to have an oxygen tank to climb it. Plus, this wall was so thick you could never get through it. I was hurt that badly. If you have been hurt and been through trauma you might understand this metaphor.

It's not something I talk about much, but being hurt to the point you put up walls no one can get through is really not dealing with what's going on. You think you are protecting yourself and in ways you are. But in other ways you are really preventing personal growth, friendships from happening and happiness from coming to you.

So why do it? I think for me it was just a reaction. A way to stay safe. Then someone noticed me though all that thickness. I thought I hid well enough away from everyone. Away from love and kindness and friendship to form. Trust is so very difficult when one has been hurt isn't it?

But the message now is, take down at least some of that wall and experience life. View it through new eyes. Step into someone else's shoes and look in for a change. You might just find you see something you like. YOU. And that will lead to great things if you just take a step beyond that wall and find that new path to your new life. Peace & Love. Enjoy Life!

"Transitions" by V. J. Asbury
 

Finding Your Voice

I want to share this with you from this past Tuesday. I think it's very important and I really try to make people aware of how low self esteem can have a devastating effect on one's self and life.

My friend Joe started a thread the other day with this question:
"Low self esteem. What can we do to overcome it?"

My response was:
"Find your voice."

A few responses down Joe asked this:
"Valerie, could you please elaborate?"

So, I did:
"Okay, here's my perspective: I suffered greatly from a lack of self esteem growing up. I was never good enough. I was never perfect. On the outside I looked like the typical teen from a loving home who was a cheerleader, president of the art club, in student council, and on and on, but I lived in a situation that was very unstable and mentally abusive (alcoholism was the culprit). [Please note, I do not blame. I am just stating facts. I have forgiven and accepted what happened. I was meant to go through it.]

It took me a long time to learn to listen to my own voice. My inner voice. The one that loved me for me. That knew what I could do and how far I could push myself to achieve my dreams and accept when I did the best I could to be content with the result. The one that knew I was wonderful.

Now, I can't say I love the way I look, but I am working on that and going toward my goal a little at a time which is to be healthy more than how I look. I like what I have changed so far and I'm gonna keep going.

Plus, there's more to a person than looks, etc. and how the world sees me. So I started looking within. I started learning that who I am and what I am and the grave mistakes I made are what make me me. I realized that all the incredible amount of CRAP I went through growing up was what I needed to make my life what I needed it to be. I started viewing it as a gift, not a burden. I stopped listening to what others though I should be. I started nurturing what I needed to become and be for me. I started loving myself for what I was. I believe there is always room for improvement and a little constructive criticism is not a bad thing. But once you find your voice and actually listen to it then you "get it". And my motto now is "Strive for excellence. Not perfection." ...so there you go, you asked for it! :)"

Joe's reply was:
"Awesome, Valerie. Not much else I can say."

Here's some more of my thoughts on this because awareness will help someone out there struggling.

Low self esteem compounds into depression. A very close family member and I have both struggle with it. I went through that for about 8 years of my life. We both made horrible and grave choices because of low self esteem and depression. But, we found our voice. We over came that hurt and guilt and life that we didn't want. We walked toward what we were meant to be in life. We now work together to keep our thoughts from entering into that dark abyss we were once in. We support each other and those around us that need to be lifted up. We offer hope, understanding, hugs, a shoulder to cry upon, and an ear to listen always.

I blocked a lot for a long time. That was self preservation for me at the time. I just couldn't go back to the pain. But slowly the images and memories came flooding back even if I didn't want them to. I would call my family member to ask them if they remembered something that happened and they would confirm. So, I didn't make it up. It did happen. I think for a long time I wanted to think it didn't happen to us, but it did. Once I started to deal with it and put it in perspective I remembered everything. I wept, I got mad, I sought help.

I still struggle and I probably always will, but I didn't jump out of that car going down the interstate when I started too because someone was there to stop me. They told me, "It's not worth it." My family member's life didn't end either when they wanted it too because they reached out to a friend just in time.

Now, that situation I grew up with. I look at it as a blessing. And believe me, it is. It took me many, many years to really get a grip on that. But for you to understand it you would have to live it. Here's one small view into it...one day I was told I was the perfect child (when the alcoholism was there) and the next I couldn't do anything right (when one was more sober).  This happened to my family member as well. I didn't want my life to be lived in that manner with such instability. So I chose not to. I chose to take my life in my hands and make it want I wanted. I can't say it's perfect, I can't say it's always great, but it's mine and I do love it. I can't say it's easy either because life isn't easy. But life is worth living and I learned that lesson the hard way.

Everyone has struggles. Remember that. Some are greater, some are less than what you know. Reach out to them.

Love and understanding: Listening to a friend...just listening can help. Take the time to listen carefully and not judge others. Judging isn't the goal, but listening is because you give someone their voice. Sometimes people just need to say what is on their mind in order to get through something. To get it out, to let it be in the open for the world to see and know. Even if they tell just one person. You have given them power.

If anyone ever needs to talk please let me know. I am always here for you. Love yourself and who you are. You are beautiful because you were made that way. You just need to see it.  Be honest and fair to yourself and make sure you know that there is always a way to find a path that can lead you out of depression or an addiction or pain of loss, etc. There are professionals that can guide you, support groups, communities, churches, etc. Please reach out and ask for help if you need it. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of you taking power of your life.

For those who know my family and know what we went through don't feel bad for us. For those who didn't know my situation. Don't worry, it was the perfect disguise to those who didn't see the reality of it. And to some degree it still is to this day.

You are never alone. If you take anything away from this understand that and that someone is waiting for you to let you believe in yourself. Love never ends. You can find your voice.

Every little bit

I have, for a long time, struggled with my weight. Not too uncommon is it? And it isn't. But it is something for 20 years that had kept me from doing more of what I wanted to do. So, in the summer of 2009 I decided that was that. I was losing the 100 pounds I had gained over the years no matter how long it took me.

How did I gain it? First thyroid disease was detected after I had gained around 70lbs in 6 months when I was 20. I couldn't get out of bed! I couldn't stay awake and anything I ate just stayed with me. I didn't eat chocolate or anything like that. I just ate regular meals.

But at the same time I also fell into depression and didn't care that I wasn't exercising. This wasn't like me. I played outside and been in sports here and there over the years. At the same time I also went through a bad relationship and made grave choices. It really wasn't a shining moment in my life. Although I made mistakes and such and went through therapies and took anti-depressant medications I still kept the weight pretty much on and then gained more. I felt I should be punished for the mistakes I had made and not being pretty or attractive for me was the answer. (I no longer feel this way today and realize why I felt that way, dealt with it and put it in its place as a lesson.)

I graduated being overweight, got married being overweight and not wearing the dress I had dreamed of being in, had kids when I was overweight and voila became 100 pounds overweight as of July 2009. About this time a close family member died and it was really my wake up call. It took a long time for me to get past the pain and hurt of losing someone I was so close to and best friends with. I still miss them so very much, but in the process of healing I started to see my life a little clearer. I decided that I needed to think about me and take care of me or I wouldn't be around for my kids and husband. And that's where this starts.

I went to the doc with several problems. They did blood work and everything that came back was really awful. I had high cholesterol, sky high triglycerides, blood sugar was high, blood pressure high...not the epitome of health. No wonder I felt rotten. My doc suggested getting the weight off and the blood pressure down.

It's been a bit of a roller coaster since then. I have lost a solid 25 lbs. That doesn't seem like a lot, but it is for me and it's one fourth of the weight gone. I am fitting into smaller clothes. I have been exercising off and on with walking and on my bike. I have been through therapy for my knees. Then I went back to the doc for my knees and doing therapy again after injuring myself another time. I have worked on getting my heart rate up and keeping it up for aerobic exercise to burn this fat off!  I changed my diet very, very slowly and made better choices each day.

Since I also fight and struggle with depression, low self-esteem and anxiety I've gone back on anti-depressant medicine. Which helped some, but then I became too relaxed. So now the doc has added on another anti-depressant so I wont lose my ambitions completely! You can't work for yourself and not feel like working! haha...

But really, every day I chose something good for me is another day I am closer to my goal. If I ride my bike or take a walk it's just a little bit better. For every pound, half pound, or even an ounce I lose the real me that I love is starting to come back out after 20 years of hiding with the weight gain. I like the results I am seeing and it's taking forever, but I've upped my goals and have really good goals set that I know I can manage. Some are simply remembering each day to be good to me. To say positive things to myself or about myself everyday is pretty important. To even say "thank you" after someone gives me a compliment is hard for me to do, but I am doing it. To live without negativity and the overwhelming depression that can overcome me is something I really want to do, so I asked for help again.  To love myself and take care of myself so that I can enjoy my life and my family is the goal.  To be healthy in mind, body and spirit is really my ultimate goal and I can see it happening!

So, that's just a small look into my life and weight and issues I have. Many of the reasons why I did what I did are so incredibly complicated that it isn't worth explaining. But I can say that if you face things head on and are completely honest then there is nothing you can't overcome. A lot of what I am doing right now with the weight loss is simply overcoming things that hurt me or I let hurt me. I can now face many of them without the fear of falling back into the dark abyss that I was once in because I have a lot of support from many different people and friends. It's never to late to take care of yourself and to believe in yourself. Just remember it takes every little bit at a time to accomplish your goals.

One of my favorite songs ever is "Baby, I'm Gonna Leave You" by Led Zeppelin. A lot of times I think of the song as me leaving behind the person I don't want to be anymore. I am coming back home to the me I love who is strong, determined and goal oriented. The one who takes care of myself so I can then take care of my loved ones.  

I'll go back to the doctor in two months to check in and monitor all my vitals, etc. I know it will be fine because in my head and heart I am already there. I just have to work toward that vision I see of me and it makes me Happy!