Three Years and So Much More...

Me and my Grandpa Johnson

Three years ago today my grandpa passed away. What I didn't know at the time is what an impact on my life this event would have. I adored and respected my grandpa very much. He was always there for me no matter what came along. He took time out of his day to talk to me or if I was there he would just bring me along to work with him. As a kid I would get to go visit in the summer and winter for a week or two and those were some of the most special times in my life spent with him and my grandma hands down.

My grandpa was a strong man in character plus a kind man with a huge heart. He would help anyone if he could and never expect anything in return. He worked hard and played harder. He had struggles just like we all do, but at the end of the day he was someone I really looked up to.

I remember riding in his dump truck and getting rock candy at the quarry. I remember helping him at his bait shop he owned for a while and going and restocking the fish. We went fishing about a zillion times catching crappie or catfish, running trot lines, etc. and always had fun. He taught me to shoot a shot gun and rifle. We played the heck out of crazy eights and one summer I swear we played Chinese checkers every waking moment. I would sit with him and listen to his stories from childhood growing up with his siblings and cousins on Bear Creek while we sat in his old bus he had that was converted into a camper with the Coleman lantern going. I listened to stories from the war he was in and was fascinated every single time I heard him tell them. Friends would drop by and bring stories to share. We'd drink coffee and enjoy life because that's just how it was. We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows  over a fire and you would have thought we had died and gone to heaven. Life with him and my grandma was always the best.

I always believed my grandpa when he said I was beautiful because I knew he meant it. He was truly interested in my life, my children, my education, and even my choices. He would listen and that is where I miss him most probably...just talking and listening and cracking jokes.

So three years when he passed away something just changed in me. I didn't realize how much he was my rock in my life, my foundation that held a lot of my anxieties together. And I wept for him greatly for the first few months after his death. But in that time I realized a lot of what I was doing I didn't really like. I didn't want to do the things that did not fulfil me any longer. So I decided to start doing more of what I needed for me. I needed to take care of myself better. I needed sleep. I needed to exercise and eat correctly. Then I realized more of what I wanted. I wanted to change my career and become the woman I wanted to be. So then I could be a good example for my children to look up to just like my grandpa was for me. I started taking small steps toward all this. It was pivotal to say the least.

I've come a long way in these past three years, gotten past some huge issues, and settled some too. I've stopped doing the things that I didn't want to do any longer.  I've sought professional help to get me past some of my anxieties so I wont keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. I'm still seeking help at this stage, but the progress has been good. I've begun to deal with hurt and trauma that happened to me and find a way to put it in a place that is good and not negative. I'm learning and growing and dealing with those things that have held me up for eons. It's all good and I've set some new goals from my dreams. Life is getting a little easier for me. I think grandpa would be proud.

I can still hear his voice & laughter in my head and as long as I can hear that I know I will be okay. He would say things like, "Can you laugh for grandpa?" How could I forget that happiness I felt every time he asked that? Everything is good. I know he is looking over me and watching me through my struggles and happiness. Sometimes I even can feel his presence. Silly maybe, but there are just times where I feel like he's right there beside me and it's comforting to me regardless if it's real or not.

Grandpa went out each night at the end of the day to look at the moon and stars, say his prayers and then to bed. I often do the same thing and as I see that moon and stars each night I know everything will be okay and that my decisions are right for me. I know life will be so much more fulfilling if I keep going forward and following my dreams as I build my foundation to stand on yet again with my grandpa looking over me giving me strength.