So, I often talk about getting help and trying to work through problems and situations that leave one stuck, so to say, in the mud. I've done this. Been stuck and couldn't go forward or backward. Absolutely paralyzed.
I recently walked back into a situation I had really left long ago. Struggled with it for a good 20+ years after I left feeling I had to help. Feeling there was nothing more important than helping someone who was dependent on alcohol to get through the day. To deal with the present because they could not go back and change the past. They just want to forget the past and they didn't want to deal with it. So they drown the feelings and hurt out with their choice of tool.
I figured out a long time ago though it wasn't my job to get them help. They didn't listen to me, friends, family or anyone. I understood this was not my job or my battle. This was their battle and they are completely and fully aware of it. They told me they don't want to change. They told me if death came again to just give them a cigarette and a beer and let them die.
I think though I always hoped it would change. I hoped that they would pick themselves up and figure it all out. They didn't. They didn't when they were sick or even when death was at their door twice already.
So there I was, with this person, standing in the same spot looking at the same situation that I had been in (I do not know how) many times years ago. I wasn't worried because I had used that game plan up years ago. I wasn't shocked either to see them in the same state doing the same thing. Abusing themselves over and over again like there was no problem with that at all.
What hit me standing there and thinking about it was what was my lesson in this? What was it?
It hit me today. There is so much to do in life. And I WANT to do it. I don't want to be stuck. I want to move freely and soar the way my life is meant to be. I had let go of so many things before today, taken care of me, but yet I held onto this hope for whatever reason for another. Why? I may never know. But for me, hope is that there will always be something better out there. It's how I got to where I am now and how I literally survived my own hell I put myself through.
The lesson this person gave me is to live now. Don't let the past dictate your future. That I am so very worth it to go forward and leave this behind. To let go of them.
My gift from this is to live my life and I am damn well gonna. To live the life I was given. Given! I need to live it in my own way. Taking care of me and understanding that if I take care of me it is okay. It is okay to put me first. I am brave and strong and that, in this world, is a difficult thing to do and be. Admitting your faults and taking steps to make yourself better is hard lesson you know. It sucks, but it's been worth it. I'm a freaking member of the Super Friends!
I'm so grateful to see it now. My perspective shifted for the better. The hope I have is only for me now. That's my lesson and the gift this person was meant to give me without even knowing it. Thank you.
